A problem in paradise…

roachEvery place has its ups and downs, even the paradise that is Hawaii where I’m on rotation. After dealing with what is pictured at right, I started to wonder: “Is it better to deal with snow for a couple months or these little treats year round?”

One might be (foolishly) quick to answer, “roaches, of course.” But those who answer so have likely not had the joy of working with these “treats.” Allow me to let you re-live some choice experiences with me.

First, these things never die on first attempt at annihilation, even when you think you’ve got ‘em good. I have stomped on one before and it’s lived to scurry away. In fact, if you use anything beside a 150 lb anvil, it’s bound to live and taunt you as it finds a new hiding spot. That means if you find one on your wall, you’re not going to kill it unless you punch bare-handed with the force of Mauricio Rua. Throw a shoe at it? It’ll throw it back. Try to capture it with a Tupperware bowl? It’ll make your hand move like a possessed Ouija to the location it wishes to go. It’s disturbing how resilient these suckers are. It’s like they have nine lives like a cat. That’s what they are: they’re cat-roaches and they’re disgusting.

Second, some of them fly and you can never tell which ones. So while you’re planning your mass attack, the little buggah could fly up into your face and stage an attack of its own. Or it may not. You must be on constant guard while you’re planning duo attacks: one for a fly-er and one for a non-fly-er. And if it’s a fly-er, it’s better to surrender before you even start. You’re not going to win. It’s not going to die. Just surrender and deal with the fact that you’re going to have a roach flying around until it wishes to leave.

Third, if you are so lucky to slaughter instead of surrender, be prepared for gore. These things are big and have the circulatory system (or at least juices) to support the large frame. When the obliteration occurs prepare for the location of the battle to be ruined. Carpet? Stanley Steamers is not going to do anything for you. Tile? Now you know why Oxyclean never used Hawaiian roaches to demonstrate its cleansing power. The likeliness of the juices splattering on your skin is somewhere in the range of 99-100% so massive amounts of Dial, Jergens, Dove, and/or Old Spice is necessary to have on hand ready to wash away the disgustingness.

So, snow or roaches?

Yeah, I’d choose roaches too. Get a leash and name it Robbie and call it a day.

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